California Shy Guy

woot

2011-08-04T21:53:00.001-07:00

proud owner of a brand new 11 inch macbook air - woot woot.

Randomness Tuesday

2011-08-02T19:54:00.001-07:00

i thought i'd be posting more often, but i guess i underestimated my ability to (1) neglect this blog and (2) be lazy :P

here i am again...in a pretty good mood. for no real reason - haha. i guess its just one of those days. it was busy but not too busy and there was good company mixed in with the business. good times.

so if you havent heard, yesterday someone fell off the face of half dome (in yosemite). the 14th person this year! i did that hike just a few weeks ago and its a freaking scary thing, but i dont think i'd ever want to die falling hundreds of feet (if i had a choice of how to die that is).

its been a while...

2011-06-20T07:08:00.000-07:00

its been a while...since the last time i blogged.

about a year and a half ago i entered into a relationship that ended (officially) a couple of months ago.

things were good for about six months and i was pretty happy. i was committed, and everything seemed like it would work out for the long haul without a hitch. i mean there were small things that i though "this could be different" or "i'd prefer this or that" - but these things were minor and i accepted my partner "as is" - the way i want to be accepted and loved. things were going well.

but then we had a blow up that left me in tears...tears that are very rare (real men dont cry - right? ha). anyhow i wont get into many details, but what transpired made me feel like i was not respected and that i was being taken advantage of. two things that your life parter (i really thought it was going to work out for life) should never make you feel.

after many many months of first trying to work things out and realizing im not sure i can trust this person for the rest of my life to treat me with the respect that i believe should be shared between two life-mates, i am trying to overcome the hurt and beginning to heal. i think im going to start blogging again to facilitate the healing. so here i am, writing to the world. hello world! im back. please feel free to leave messages. i use this as an outlet and i enjoy the commentary you guys provide.

p.s. this was my first real long term type relationship - the "i think its forever" kind. about two posts down i wrote about having a broken heart - i'd like to clarify that that was nothing like this. that was an infatuation gone awry (hence that wondering why i was even hurt) - this is situation involves a real real broken heart...

i took this.

2010-02-14T10:06:00.000-08:00

i is here.

2010-02-06T12:10:00.001-08:00

for the past few weeks i've been experiencing a roller coaster of emotions. emotions are messy and i finally understand what people mean when they say "so and so has baggage." i used to think of myself as baggage-less, the carry on type (that was a joke), but i realize more and more that as we get older "baggage" is inevitable. so i have mine, and i carry it with pride. its sleek, stylish, and packed tightly to avoid the appearance of dishevel-ed-ness.

i've also been thinking a lot about the "big" picture. my job is stressful, i am young, and its f-ing exhausting the heck out of me. visited with some friends a couple weeks ago who are in the same line of work, but seem to actually like what they do. they make less than i do, but they seem happy about their jobs. they just dont seem t have the same sense of fear and anxiety that is inherent in my job. so i have been thinking about a career/field change...im risk averse and the thought is scaaaaary (especially since i've been through a lot to get where i am), but the possibility is also exciting. in the meanwhile ill stick to my daily grind (which spills over into my weekends often) and hope that one day i was up thinking "im looking forward to going to work." unlikely and possibly delusional, but a guy can hope cant he...

on other fronts - i am thinking the seasons of life thing has some merit to it. im ready to move forward, but i need to find someone to do it with...

so a bit of a teaser update, but its an update nonetheless. now i think im going to go do some manual labor...instead of go to work.

broken

2010-01-23T22:04:00.000-08:00

so i havnet written in a while. i was trying to live my life. and i was quite happy doing it. but i encountered a classic broken heart in the process. i wont - at this time - go into the details, but it hurts...and i dont even know why...i didnt think i was that attached. its funny how these things work.

Even Earlier Morning

2009-12-02T04:05:00.001-08:00

So I woke up today at 2 AM - :/ not the best time to wake up if one expects to be at work until at least 5...

Anyhow, I am up and I guess its ok - I've been working this morning, so i am at least getting something productive out of the side effects of my vacation. I'll have more to say later.

Early Morning

2009-12-01T03:57:00.000-08:00

Its 4 am. I woke up about a half an hour ago. My internal clock is still kind of off from the vacation. But I guess waking up early has its benefits. I'm going to do a quick cardio exercise, shower, grab some breakfast, and get to work before sunrise! Except for the last part, it sounds like a good morning to me. But even getting to work early will be nice. I need to bill some extra hours (to make up for the time I was gone) and this is a good way to get them in. Tonight I have my cool MMA class, which should keep me up until midnight - helping to reset me (so to speak), so I won't be waking up this early all the time.

Yay for time changes and early mornings!

VACA

2009-11-30T05:21:00.001-08:00

just came back from vacation. boy was it nice to just not be at work for a while. i read, i ate, i laughed, i cried...it was great. now i have to go back to work. one thing is different though: i am not dreading going back to work. i kind of am looking forward to getting things done and there is some stuff to get out today.

as an aside - i saw 500 days of summer during my time off and it is really a good movie. love: you just know...food for thought maybe.

Sexuality

2009-11-25T16:02:00.000-08:00

Many days I find it difficult to define my sexuality. This is one of those days. I enjoy the emotional company of women, even romantically...and the company of men to the same extent. But I really only find men physically attractive. Does that mean I am emotionally straight/bi, but sexually gay? At the tender age of mid-twenty I am confused about my sexuality and it is a uniquely perplexing thing.

Sore

2009-11-18T23:02:00.000-08:00

I have begun taking MMA conditioning class to stay fit and yesterday was my first session. I wasnt even going to do it...left the gym to walk back to my car, but then decided I needed to suck it up and go to the class. It was what I expected and I walked out of there more tired than I've been in a while. I almost missed work this morning, but I didn't b/c I'm super cool under pressure and I can get ready fairly quickly, but I was sore as heck. My butt, my arms, my legs - all sore, not to mention my adams apple from being chocked. The things we do to look pretty...

Watch

2009-11-16T19:33:00.000-08:00

I bought a watch. I'm not really much of a watch person, but this weekend I walked into a Fossil store (randomly) and I decided to check out watches. I narrowed it down to this one and another cool looking one and bought this one. I wore my new watch to work today (with a suit) and it worked pretty well, not to mention it was nice knowing the time all the time (I don't carry my cell phone or PDA on me all day like most neurotic people). Anyhoo - I am pleased.

Le Weekend

2009-11-15T18:37:00.000-08:00

So. Friday I headed into work early (as previously stated - this is now common as I am attempting to be more serious about this gig) and got started on a project and had to rewrite a letter I'd written to opposing counsel on a matter. The partner I was working with thought we might have breached some agreement and I decided we didn't but rewrote the letter anyway to make it more aggressive. This is how lawyers punk each other - they write letters using big words and making lofty threats. Come lunch time I enjoyed my meal with my colleagues - we do a weekly lunch to increase interaction and create goodwill etc. - and when I got back to my desk I found an email from one of the staff members saying she was leaving. Sad-ish. I was kinda friends with her. She wasn't fired. She quit b/c she hates her job. I promised we could "talk" about it over coffee today, but I didn't call her. Going to try and connect later in the week and get the dirt.

I left early from work to go to LA for a birthday weekend. As always I was later than I would have liked leaving work - b/c of the person leaving (I went to talk to her), but I got out at a reasonable time. I came home, packed a backpack, forgetting to pack shorts to sleep in, and left to LA with my siblings. On our way we picked up my cousins (one of whom was the guest of honor for the birthday weekend), switched cars from my sedan to an SUV and continued on. We got to our hotel a little after 7 and vegged out for a bit and decided to head to the walk of fame for some tame debauchery...and we did. Then decided to drive around Beverly Hills on our way back to the hotel. By this time, I am pretty tired and ready to go to bed, but of course we stayed up for a couple more hours and just horsed around. Four hours later I am the first one up (as usual) and I have breakfast with my brother (second to awake) at the hotel restaurant, while everyone else gets showered. We spend the day at Universal Studios.

It seemed kind of dead b/c there weren't that many people there, but it was fun nonetheless. There weren't that many overtly gay guys around either. There was an Indian couple you could tell were gay in line behind us for a haunted house "ride" but other than them, I didn't see many couples. There were hot guys otherwise - it is LA - but not that many. We had dinner and headed home. I got home late last night.

Today, I slept in - good choice, then went to the gym - another good choice, and have just been relaxing all day.

Torn - etc.

2009-11-08T10:10:00.000-08:00

So just to clarify on the last post...it came up b/c I wanted to attend a halloween party that a friend was throwing, but I had a religious gathering that was planned and I got roped into going to on the same night, with other friends...I wanted to go to both, but I ultimately chose the religious gathering over halloween...so that was why I was all emo about having to make the choice. I ended up having fun and not even thinking of the one I didn't go to - which is awesome, but I was just wanting to do it all...

And by way of an update...I haven't been to the gym in a long while - may be a month - which makes me feel horrible, but I plan to go today - hopefully it will jump start me a good two months of gyming - fingers crossed!

I have also been working a lot - not out of choice, but out of fear that if I don't I may be searching for a new job come a few months from now...its bla, but in this economy we have to do what we have to do to keep paying our loans.

On that subject, I'd like to mention that if I didn't have loans, I would be so much more inclined to just find a job at a Starbucks or similar establishment or do odd jobs and just survive. Maybe move to SF and live with some friends and just chill for a couple years until I find a job that is a better balance of "work" and "life." If anyone wants to pay off my loans and help my dream come true, I am taking cash, checks, money orders, real property, precious and semi precious stones, and gold bullion. Hehe.

I also am trying to figure out a vacation at some point. I havent had a real vacation in about a year. I flew into Philly a few weeks ago to hang out with some friend, but aside from weekend trips I havent really done the whole veg out thing. So I am looking. A friend and I thought France or Italy would be cool over Thanksgiving. The Europeans don't celebrate TG so I think it would be a good time to go, although a bad time to fly in general...But if any of you have been, your suggestions are welcome.

I have no news on the love life thing...although I am begining to realize that there are a lot of gay guys around where I am who are hiding in the woodworks, so to speak, because they are not out. I talked to a guy the other day - hot - who is "in a relationship" but wanted to hang out. I am inclined initially to stay away from anyone who is involved (be it in a gay or straight relationship) because you become an accomplice in an affair. But there is a part of me that thinks - what the hell - its not like he is involved with another guy...I'm probably going to stick with listening to the angel on my shoulder, but it is tempting to think that its not as bad because you are helping someone be themselves. Eh.

Torn

2009-10-31T09:59:00.000-07:00

I find myself constantly torn between two (and often more) cultures/worlds/realities. Its a tough existence; not mine in particular, but I generally the existence of someone who is unsure of his place, of what defines him. Or maybe its that I know who I am and I can't fit that into any conventional definition, and having been born into a world of convention I find it excruciatingly difficult to avoid the tendency.

I thought I navigated it well in my younger days - at least it seemed to work out OK...I did it all straddling ethnic, religious, social, sexual cultural norms (and all the micro-cultures that one experiences in the usual course of coming of age) or at least I thought I did. But as I get older I realize more and more how hard it is to navigate multiple worlds...how the world expects you to fit into a box or create a box and exist in it...

Obviously there is more to this - a trigger, but alas I must run. Will talk about it sooner rather than later...but I wanted to be a better blogger than I have been and actually post!

This is not meant to be a sad post, but a contemplative one....

Uneventful...

2009-09-30T22:24:00.000-07:00

First off - its nice to know people still read this blog after nearly a month of silence. And I am not depressed...well, thats my story at the moment. But in all honesty I do think there is some emo-ness going on right now. It comes with the territory I think...coping with big life changes (or convincing one's self of such) and all. You all have issues too - so dont judge! :)

Today was an especially uneventful day. I woke up early (4:30) and decided to not get out of bed (probably a good idea) and then got up and went to work. I wore a pair of pants that have a tiny hole in them near the knee (from a snag?) and was self conscious about it all day. But alas, what do you do. I have decided I cant not wear them (yes a double negative!) because they cost too much to let a small after market hole make them worthless.

Anyhow, I got to work and took my jacket with me to my office (instead of leaving it in my car) in contemplation of wearing it to a reception in the evening (which I never went to). I go to the office before anyone else - save the old guy who is almost always first and smells of old spice aftershave (I have heard that is the smell). Then I sat in my office with the door shut doing my work as they banged on the walls outside (we are remodeling). Midday brought me to a "lecture" by a video tape and a loaf of bread for lunch after which I sat in my office some more and did some more "work." When three o'clock rolled around I decided I was going to make it home to have dinner. I decided to skip the reception because I didnt feel especially up to mingling with people I dont know and fake smiling and laughing a their lame jokes. I got home, ate, watched Hell's Kitchen, and then moped for a few hours looking for new jobs (instead of going to the gym) and decided my job is sufficient for the time being. Then I came to this wonderful cafe with the eclectic people and did some actual work for work.

My day in a nutshell...or a blog post. Uneventful.

In other news...I really dont like second hand smoke. If you are the guy sitting next to me smoking - please stop.

This and That

2009-09-28T22:30:00.001-07:00

So its a weird time in my life. My brother called me a loaner yesterday. I'm not really a loaner - I mean, I dont have the personality, but lately I have been more of a loaner than at any other point in my life. And its by choice.

I like being by myself sometimes, especially on weekends. For instance, an ideal Saturday these days consists of waking up late (7/8), going to the gym, eating breakfast, reading some, going for a long ride, and maybe visiting some friends. As you can see, most of the day is spent doing things by myself and I like it. I don't know if I have changed much - maybe its just more noticeable now because people call me out on it. I mean, I think I indulged in a lot of "me time" when I was in in school too...anyhow - I like me time and I don't care if I come off as a loaner sometimes.

What else. I am back at that cafe that I mentioned early on in this blog. There is eighties music playing right now and the barista/guy who works here just announced, "The bathroom will be closed in five minutes! Pee if you need to!" His partner barista yelled "he's lying!" and he retorted "I'm not!" I came here tonight to do some work and I actually got about an hour and a half in - which is surprising b/c I've only been here for like 2 hours. Yay me - I can cut through chaos and get shit done!

I went to the symphony this past Sunday, to a matinee performance of the philharmonic. I almost fell asleep, thrice. I did the pretend nod every time I caught myself and kept trying to sit up straighter so that I would be forced to not fall asleep...I think by the intermission I was practically standing, but still dozing. Haha. Mind you, they were good, so I attribute all of the dozing to just plain tiredness...plus I hadn't been to the symphony in a while and its tough sitting through two hours of soothing music. Anyhow, I had front row seats, so I did my best not to appear as though I was sleeping...I hope it worked.

I is back!

2009-08-23T21:13:00.000-07:00

Yo yo yo!

So I'm back in action. So to speak. My computer died, but it is back from the dead with a lot of new parts. I took it to the Apple Store and the guy/tech I got ended up being really nice and basically replaced everything in my computer - so I have a "referbished" computer (I guess that is the technical term).

Let us see - what else. The gym thing is still going in full swing, which is cool b/c it feels good to feel good. I try to go everyday, but as many of you know, thats not easy to do while working (it was easier while I was in school). But anyhow - the results are starting to show - yippy.

I have now shown my face to people - who know I am gay. Which is in many ways very liberating. For so long (nearly a year now) I have been hiding behind SNs and email and it just nice to know that I am no longer completely closeted...at least that is how I feel. People know my face and they know my identity (including the not straight part) and it feels honest.

So I'm thinking about taking up rock climbing again. I went about weekly for some time while I was in SF and it was really fun. I have lost some muscle mass, so I kinda feel like it will be harder to get back into it - mainly that I will suck and feel weak, but eh. Its a really good full body workout and I have a friend who invited me to join him - so why the heck not. I'm excited to get back into it.

On the work front. The more I talk to people my age - my friends, my online friends, etc. - the more I realize that people in my age bracket (or people in the same point in their careers) work a lot. It is all consuming for people pursuing a profession. And it certainly is for me. I spent most of last week (and by most I mean most of the hours in the week) at work trying to finish up a lot of crap and then I finally got a break on Friday b/c a trial got moved back. Otherwise I'd have spent all weekend under fluorescent lights, chained to my desk. Thank God for weekends!

Finally, I just watched Latter Days (again). Its like my favorite gay flick and I recommend it to all of you. Especially those from conservative families. I always feel so inspired after watching it. And as such, I've seen it quite a few times.

That is all for now.

Broken Computer

2009-08-10T19:28:00.000-07:00

So my computer crashed last week. A quick update.

Almost met up with a guy i've been talking with for a while, but our schedules did not align (while I was in SF, where he lives), so I had to miss out...bummer. He was going to be the first guy I met after having talked for a while about this who gay thing.

Have been busier at work.

Been riding my bike a lot and its great - beginning to see results from that and the gym-cardio. Probably going to start lifting by the end of the month.

Lets see...I dont really kow what else...gotta go - my name has appeared on the screen (at the Apple Store).

Adios - hope all is well!

Yo.

2009-08-01T07:45:00.000-07:00

its saturday morning and im laying in bed trying to figure out what to do today. i have family visiting so i'll have to entertain them for a bit. that should be interesting b/c i dont particularly like or dislike these people. they are my cousins, but we dont really hang out and they decided to visit so i thought i'd be nice and spend time with them.

my bike has TWO flats. how does that happen? no idea. yesterday i had to walk about a mile back to my place after i realized that my back tire was completely flat. bummer. the suckiest part is that it take the bike shop days to fix things so i dont even want to take my bike in. but i have to get the front tire straightened (its all bent out of shape from my accident) so i guess ill take it anyway.

remember that cute mail guy from work? well i saw him 1/4 naked the other day. he was wearing gym clothes after work and to be sure he is freaking hot. lovely chest and arms. if i thought at all that he was gay i may try to make some gay eyes at him, but i'm pretty sure he is no, considering he's been with his gf for three years.

the gym is going well. i've been pretty good about keeping up a routine - it hasnt been that long - about a month and i actually am feeling (even if im not seeing) a difference in my body. i feel like i have more energy and i've upped my cardio (right now i'm focusing on cardio) a bit. it feels good and im hoping that itll start to show this coming month. one thing though - last night i had a lot (A LOT) of pizza, thinking i could cheat one day a week without it really affecting my goal. i dont actually believe that, but i was weak!

finally, what you all want to hear about - the gay stuff. im becoming increasingly comfortable with the idea of being gay. i think its just the time. its been nearly a year since i came out to myself - i think i mentioned my story (i'm a very late bloomer) and i am beginning to feel that i can show my face to people. this is a big step because i have this feeling a lot of times that i cant let anyone know who i am or see me for fear that i will be identified as me. i think some of you will relate. but for me the feeling seems to be quite intense. so lately i've been experimenting with the thought of meeting up with someone or something and saying the words "i'm gay." i dont know. it may or may not happen, but at least i dont hyperventilate at the thought of telling someone anymore - which is a BIG plus.

oh and i was driving home from work yesterday and i saw two really hot EMT/paramedic/ambulance drivers. it seems that all such guys are hot. i mean seriously - i dont think you often see an ugly EMT/paramedic. they are usually young and attractive and in good shape. and so i was thinking it would be nice to have one of my own someday - i'd be ok with a hot paramedic as a partner...

I fell off my bike...

2009-07-26T22:25:00.000-07:00

Yes. I fell off my bicycle.

I was out today for a nice 9 mile ride (which is not that much in the world of biking) and just as I was about to reach my destination (like yards from it) I hit a curb and flew off my bike.

I have a road bike, which has very thin tires and I was riding from the road into a parking lot. I was not riding head-on towards the ramp leading to the lot, but was riding next to it and thought I could get on the ramp by riding diagonally onto it. I was wrong. I think the difference in height (where the ramp began and where the road ended) was too much for a diagonal entry. There is probably someone I can sue, but its not worth it...

Anyway - I fell. But in an attempt to make it seem like it was no big deal, I got right back on my bike (despite bloody hands) and kept riding. Ha.

I'm actually OK and not too banged up. I got scrapes on my hands and my knee that bled and, because when I flew off I decided to save my wrists from too much impact and slide on my stomach, I think I might have a bruised rib or two...eh.

Bulletproof Speedo!

2009-07-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

I know this is a crap filler post, but I saw it and it made me laugh...so this is the kind of thing that makes me laugh.

Floating Down a River

2009-07-20T22:03:00.000-07:00

Had a nice weekend. Just forgot all about the worries of the world and floated down a river...haha - I actually did float down a river. I went to Bishop with some family and we just goofed off all weekend. Goofing off is the best!

Spend most of Friday night driving so we could get there before Saturday. Went swimming at midnight. Woke up and went kayaking - just floating down a river - so nice. Was so tired after we finished and just crashed.

Went for an early morning hike and some bouldering on Sunday and then headed back home.

All in all a nice weekend.

Today I went in to work early - as usual and spent the day scrambling. I was all stoked about going to the gym after work, when I got a phonecall at 4:30:

Partner: Do you have that letter done?

Me: No, I haven't even started

Partner: Can you have it to me before you leave?

Me: Yes.

The letter was supposed to take me 3 hours to do - after I researched the law...needless to say I didnt get out by 9 pm and was really hungry - so I ate and now I am too full to gym. Maybe I'll go early in the morning...

Exercise is Good

2009-07-09T22:18:00.000-07:00

So I know I've blogged about the gym here and there, but I have been a pretty unfaithful gym-goer. You see, I've never been much of a gym rat, nor have I needed to be, but last year (2007-2008) I was in pretty good shape because I'd spent the year in the gym because a friend got me hooked and I was happy with myself and with that feeling you get after gym-ing it up.

Well, "on or about" (thats a terms of art used by lawyers when they think they are right about a date, but dont want opposing lawyers to jump down their throats if they are wrong) July 1, 2008 I stopped going. I figured I could take a break and not lose that much. Wrong. Here I am a year later and I have lost a lot. The muscle melts away - its gross to think about but it does - and flab appears in the form of a somewhat "love handles." So I decided I needed to get back into gym-ing not just to get back in shape, but also as a stress reliever. I made a mid-year resolution last week (July 1) to go every day until a date not to be disclosed yet, but for at least a few months. I have kept it for 8 days now. I am proud of that and you should all be proud too.

Anyhow - this post was inspired by the fact that I feel great after having done about an hour of cardio. Great! And there was a pretty guy doing sets of body squats in front of me for about 15 minutes of it...which was also nice (I was secretly coveting him).

Cheers to exercise!

Fly-by Weekend

2009-06-29T17:46:00.001-07:00

had a "fly-by weekend," meaning that the weekend was too short and I didn't get much rest.

friday i get a call to go see transformers II and i agree and leave work and b/c i dont have any clothes to change into i have to buy some shorts and improvise...i was going to buy shorts anyway, so i wasnt being frivolous. i head to my friend's house and they are already done eating so i eat while he and others get ready to leave. and then we are off. we get to the theater and the line is huge...we end up in the back and are like the last people in but the 7 of us find seats together and even though the movie was "sold out" - not everyone showed and it was actually not too bad. the movie was OK - not the best and the best scene (or what was supposed to be the best scene) at the end (spoiler alert maybe) with o-prime fighting _________ (ill leave some mystery) kinda sucked. the movie was good though.

saturday morning i had to go to a religous event at 6 am (5 actually, but i was late) and that lasted until 10 and then i got home and cleaned out my trunk, which was full of clothes from changing after work and the past weekend. and then i had a bit to eat and headed to a party for a friend from high school who is "shipping out" tomorrow to the midwest (yes, not the mid-EAST, but to georgia - im thinking that counts as the mid-west...). anyhow, i get there and he leaves to buy some ice and i'm forced to mingle with his friends from undergrad...it was interesting. when i got to the house they were explaining how to use a beer bong to my friend's dad. they were his frat friends and they ended up being cool enough, but were certainly younger acting (b/c they are 4 years my junior (he took off to the army for 4 years after high school and then went back for his undergrad degree). i had another party to go to afterwards for a relative's b'day so i had to leave early...so i left and that was that.

next party started with me filling 200 balloons for a surprise room full of balloons. that was very tv movie esque.

finally, went to bed.

sunday, had more religion to take care of and that took ALL day....i came home, had some left over pasta and crashed pretty early. only to wake up at 4:30 this morning and be at work at 6 so i could finish an assignment that was due to a partner "asap" that i'd put off on friday.

and now it is today and i am ready to eat dinner again and head out to hang out and gym it and work some more.

and that is the story of the fly-by.

Past Couple of Weeks

2009-06-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have been a big blur - mainly trying to keep myself sane while working (don't worry this is not another post about work...although nothing has really changed there).

I've seen a lot of friends from undergrad in the last few weeks and its been really good for my mental stability. There have been some informal "reunions" as well as some random hanging out. There was a guy gay at one of the gatherings who I hung out with some in undergrad. I spent a good amount of time with him at the event and we ended up sitting together at dinner. He is hot (hotter than a few years ago). We had pretty good conversation and he put his arm across the back of my chair while we were talking, which was pretty intimate, considering we weren't that close in undergrad. It was nice and intimate. Anyhow, I thought about cornering him afterwards and just telling him - I like guys!, but yeah - I didn't. I may get the chance in a few months when he comes back for another gathering we are going to have. :)

Lets see. I went up to SF to see some friends too. Another great time. I haven't been to SF in a while so it was just nice being in the city and being around all those people. One of the few places in the world that makes me feel happy just being there. My favorite thing is to hang out in Union Square...just being. So I made my friends sit there with me. And they did - because they are good friends.

I went back to that cafe that I talked about cafe I discovered some ago too. I feel like I can go there and feel like I never stopped going. I actually went there to do some work, but ended up doing some people watching too - which made the experience even more worth while.

Finally, I've been toying with the idea of starting to meet guys...like in person. I met a guy online - someone just looking for friends (like me at this point) and he sounds like a guy I could be friends with. So we have been considering meeting up. As you are all aware, this is a big step for me. So that is where I am now...meeting in person! Its pretty exciting that I feel like I am almost ready. The apprehension is slowly wearing away (even though I expect it will come back the second I actually say hello, but I guess one step at a time).

P.S. my parents are still bugging me about finding a woman, work still sucks, I've been trying to watch some of the films you all recommended and am slowly discovering others (both well made and not so well made), I still listen to talk radio - learned all about the alien bases on the moon the other night, and life is not too bad right now.

Marriage Again

2009-06-13T06:38:00.001-07:00

My parents have it in their mind that I should get married now that I am out of school and working...it makes logical sense. Except for this problem of sexuality...I can't give them the marriage marriage they want. I realize this is not about them, but it sure as hell feels like it is. They want me to talk to girls and keep trying to set me up. I can't resist forever... And on top of that, I feel guilty for wanted not to marry a girl. Well maybe not guilty about that (probably more because I feel like I'm going to ruin someone's life if I give in), but I have feelings of guilt in general which really haunt my existence.

Sometimes I sit in my office and fantasize about marrying the guy of my dreams. We meet randomly...we both know right off the bat that the other is into guys. I catch him checking me out and I smile. He asks me out and I say yes. That leads to other things and ultimately we decide that we were made for each other (or whatever) and live happily ever after. BTW, he is hot, smart, and has a great ass...

Oh what a twisted life I lead...

Where are you random knight/guy in shining armor/suit who is going to save me???

i hate work

2009-06-08T23:17:00.000-07:00

i had a mentoring meeting with a partner and was told that i need to pick what i want to do for the rest of my life (i have been doing a lot of different things in different areas of the law)...i dont know what i want to do and want more time to figure it out! i have six months, but if i dont figure something out soon its likely not good for me...

For all the K-Dubs out there...

2009-05-25T17:38:00.001-07:00

The closeted gay community can be a lonely place at times (often) and I just wanted to say that it is comforting to know others are out there. I recently got a message from someone I'll call K-Dub. Its nice to know that we can help each other through the "journey."

In other news...I went to work today (yes, on a holiday), then had lunch with some friends from undergrad. I enjoyed it - but mostly because the conversation was not about me at all. I just sat there as they talked about their lives and we shot the breeze (metaphorically - there were no guns involved in reality - so no actual shooting took place). I then came home and watched some random romantic comedy.

I wish there were more random gay romantic comedies, but I guess the gay culture is too young to have an established cinema. Porn does not count as cinema (at least not really). I mean - there are a bunch of gay romantic comedies, but nothing like the variety that exists in hetero films. I've been watching any gay film I can get my hands on since I realized I was...you know - not straight and definitely into guys (gay) and I can't get enough. I think what makes me gravitate to them is that they give me hope. That I too can come out of the closet, deal with (overcome) my current reality (family/friends/expectations/etc.), meet someone (a nice guy), and be completely honest about who I am. Its a dream, but someday! SOME-DAY!

Anyhow, if anyone knows of any good films, please pass the title (and if possible (preferably) a link) my way. I've been watching what I can find on YouTube/Daily Motion and what little selection Netflix has online (online and not by mail because I can't really order films in the mail because I might be outed by it...), but I know there are a bunch of films that I've seen trailers for or clips of that I haven't actually seen.

And now I must go to refill my travel kit.

Updateorino

2009-05-21T06:13:00.000-07:00

I had a pretty relaxing weekend - went to the Giants Game on Saturday. Man it was hot! But with hot weather come hot guys...so I ogled a little. Its always hard to get away with ogling in public, especially with friends around, but I think I did OK - as long as I was looking in the general direction of the field.

I also hung out with some old and new friends, which was nice. I've realized that its not easy to find people who get you though. I mean, I have a lot of "friends," but there are only a select number of people I can really just goof of with or who understand all of my antics. For instance, I made a comment to one of the guys I was hanging out with this weekend while playing video games (how elementary, I know - haha) and he gave me a look. I don't think he got my sarcasm. Had any of my friends from undergrad or grad school heard the comment they would have laughed and fired back. It wasn't even an inside joke kind of comment. Anyhow - I suppose we can't all "get" each other or maybe its just a matter of time, who knows. The weekend was enjoyable nonetheless.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday have been busy busy busy at work. I barely have had any time to breath, which is expected - so nothing new on that front. Yesterday took off early to have dinner with some friends and stopped by Banana Republic on the way. They have some cool half sleeve shirts in stock right now - so I bought two. I am pretty happy with them. I am a pretty conservative dresser; I like the classics, and so BR and a few other stores work out well for me. Had dinner, came home and then just crashed. Now its back to it!

Finally, I noticed I had big jump in the number of people who visited my site on Sunday...odd, but welcomed. I like knowing that there are people are there reading this blog. Not because I'm vain (although it could be on some level), but because it is proof that I am not alone in my closeted confusion.

Cheers!

Talk Radio Crazy

2009-05-14T20:08:00.001-07:00

Today was not as great a day as yesterday, but it is acceptable. It just kinda flew by though because I just had a bunch of things to do at work - which took forever (cumulatively). I just got home- its about 8 pm California time and I'm pretty beat.

On my way back I was listening to the radio and getting kinda peeved. I think I've mentioned before that I listen to talk radio all the time to keep up with stuff and to be entertained. Anyhow, I like to listen to conservative talk radio every once in a while just to get the blood rushing (I'm not a hard core liberal or anything, but some of the people on conservative radio are just idiots and its easy to get excited). So anyhow, I was listening to this lady who basically just kept complaining about everything. She even dared to blame California's water shortage (which is a real problem for farmers) on Michelle Obama. Ridiculous. Such is life - full of idiots.

Now, I'm heading to the gym so I can lose the spare bike tire I've had since October (bla) and then probably gonna head to S-bucks for some more work.

A good day...

2009-05-14T00:35:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. It didn't start out great, but it has ended up OK. So I walked into work and I didn't really have that much to do - and that is not an ideal situation in a world where you have hours to bill and a reputation as a hard worker to keep up. So after a couple hours of organizing my gmail to kill time, I finally asked for work and I got it. I was afraid to approach the partner I wanted to work for, because I didn't want to seem like I wasn't getting work, but when I asked he said he was just thinking of me because he has some stuff for me - great! So it worked out and my ego got a bit of a boost too. Then I made lunch plans with a friend who I haven't seen in a while. It just kept getting better. I left work before five - which is pretty spectacular. I get home and eat and veg out for a bit, chat with a pretty cool guy online, then hang out with some friends, hit the gym, and finally read at a local cafe (where I got a free drink from the (female) barista because I hadn't been there in such a while). All in all a great day :)

Fat Americans

2009-05-11T21:34:00.001-07:00

So I'm at the gym and I decide I'm done and I go to the supermercado to get some drinks for drinking and I see this kid grabbing a candy bar and I think to myself - I don't really like candy (even as a kid I didn't eat much of it) and then I see the mom and she is scolding the kid - commanding that he can't get the candy he wants, but that he has to "settle" for the one she wants him to get (she wants him to get a KitKat and he wants a Snickers bar) - she even calls him "picky" in the process, and I look at the mom and she if obese (really) and then I take a closer look at the kid and he is about four and probably weights a hundred pounds (he is disguised in a hat and baggy clothes) and then I think to myself that this is ridiculous and conclude that the mom shouldn't even be getting this kid any candy and the kid is already obese, she is going to give him a heart attack before he turns five and I am also reminded of all those lame talk shows like "Maury" that show all those fat kids and blame the parents and at this point she is ready to check out and when she does, she has some cookies and some bananas and other random foods and then she has a melon, but when she sees the price she decides that it is too expensive, but she keeps the candy bar and another candy bar (undoubtedly for herself) and I think to my self that she is what is wrong with America.

Yes. I judge. And the kid looked like the one on the right...

Its Complicated

2009-04-21T17:51:00.000-07:00

You know that relationship status on FB - "It's Complicated" - well, I want that. I've been kinda down lately by the fact that I can't even have a complicated relationship because I have NO relationships - romantic ones I mean. I see a cute guy or an interesting guy and I want to approach and say "whats up" (except not in those words) and I can't bring myself to because that would mean outing myself.

And at the moment I am going through more unsurities because for the last month or so I have been seriously considering the hetero life. Its just easier and I'm not repulsed by females - I actually like women - the attraction is just not as intense as it is with males, and because I was "hetero" for so long its comfortable. Also, I have a hard time imagining growing old with another man. Then there is the problem of even getting a man. There is so much of an emphasis on youth and perfection (physical) in the gay community that I don't even know if I'll find a guy. And if I find a guy - will he have a brain? Anyhow - I feel all screwed up - no idea what to do.

That is the angst of the week. What the F is a closeted homosexual to do...I guess I'll just go to the gym for the moment and try to sweat my worries away...

IN OTHER NEWS: Work work work, hang out with fam, eat, sleep, eat, sarcasm, eat, sleep, work, fundraiser with female friend-date, ogle good looking volunteer, home, sleep, new suit, lost car registration, lost pay check, pay bills, work, pizza, blah.

Taxes

2009-04-12T18:28:00.000-07:00

Been trying to figure out my taxes today. I usually go to the person my parents have been using forever, but I kinda wanted to do it myself this year so I have a better idea of what records and stuff to keep for next year. Anyhow, long story short - the programs that they have out there (most of which are free) make taxes easy. I'm getting a pretty good chunk back too - which is nice.

Other stuff. The week has been kind of slow at work. I went into work today though because I got a couple assignments on Friday and yesterday (they were in my inbox when I went in today).

In other work news - I have a co-worker who I'll call Workaholic-girl for short. Nice enough girl, but she has been making things a bit hard for me (and the everyone else I think) by being such a workaholic. I work at a life-style firm, which means we work fewer hours than big firms so we can have a LIFE. She doesn't seem to understand this and bills like crazy. Great for her, if thats what she likes - but not so great for expectations. If she keeps this up its possible that the partners may get the bright idea that they can make everyone work more...blah. I don't mind having to work a little extra here and there, but I don't want to always be working.

I almost bought a suit this week. The Men's Warehouse was having a sale this week and I went in to see if I could find anything. I found one suit I liked - ONE. Unfortunately the sale was buy one, get one half off. I tried the suit I like on anyway and decided it was too expensive to buy without the deal, so I left.

Lets see...I did buy a tie this week (not from Men's Warehouse) - that was "exciting." Itsgreen-blue, like ocean water green-blue.

Hung out with family Friday night and yesterday and just kinda vegged. A bunch of us ("kids") went to visit my much older cousin and his fam Friday. Gorged on food and had a sleep over there. Saturday we just goofed off all day and Sunday I found myself at work at 9 am.

Finally, I'm gonna put a picture up - a real one - soon of my torso, clothed. Baby steps.

More Stuff...

2009-04-05T20:00:00.000-07:00

So I have been less regular about blogging than desired, but my goal is to regulate my blogging to a solid once a week (at minimum). Also, to anyone following this blog - thank you. Knowing that people read this blog is comforting.

So March has gone and April is here and I feel pretty good about my life in general. The job is dominating (as has been apparent from the past few posts) most of my time, so really I have little to share that many would find extremely interesting. But here goes anyhow.

So I'm getting a bit more responsibility at work than I had been and its kind of nice. One of the partners, who I don't usually (ever) work with brought me on board for an interesting case involving some Con Law issues. I worked on Sunday and I was at work until past 1 am finishing the research Monday - BUT honestly I'm more than happy to help...I know that Godfrey of Godfrey Off The Grid mentioned a similar situation (different field), but ultimately I have to say that I concur that its nice knowing people are counting on you.

Hot mail clerk is kinda mousy as I said - haven't really talked to him much. Its an interesting thing working in an office where there are pretty clear lines between the levels of staff, so even if I did talk to him regularly, within the firm culture it would be odd because the support staff don't really mix much with the partners and associates. Nothing that stops me from chatting up the staff, but an interesting observation nonetheless.

I took this weekend off and basically did whatever I wanted. I haven't had a weekend like this in a while. I usually have something chore-ish to do and have to go into work at least for some of the weekend, but this weekend was less busy, just a nice lazy weekend in California. So yesterday I went car shopping with by bro bro. I got to haggle on his behalf, which I enjoy more than most and we ended up walking away with a car and very happy. Last night, I cooked dinner for my whole fam. I like cooking, but don't really do it often because like so many things that I'd like to do - it takes time. Then I went and saw "I Love You Man." Good movie - not something I'd wait to come out on DVD to see. So - go see it :)

Today I woke up late, showered, went back to bed, got back up and had leftovers for breakfast (which was really lunch), washed and detailed my own filthy car (hadn't washed it in over 2 months) - that took a while, and then went over and hung out with some family friends. I raced my friend's kid - me on foot, she on her bike (with training wheels). I won (even though I let her lead for most of the race). And I also helped then with some gardening.

All in all - a pleasant weekend.

Finally, I watch The Office pretty religiously (so hilarious and ironically accurate!) and here is a show that I will start watching this Thursday by the same people. It stars Amy Pohler (SNL alum) and is called Parks and Recreation:

Well - that is about it for now. See you all on the flip side. I don't really know what that means, but I wanted to say it - so there it is!

Marchy March

2009-03-22T10:02:00.000-07:00

Let us see...where to begin.

Work. I've been working a lot over the last few weeks just because there is work to be done. Work is going relatively OK, I'm beginning to see sides of people that I didn't want to see as I get more settled and its a bit bothersome. I guess when you are working with so many type A personalities, there is bound to be drama. My goal is to stay out of the drama for as long as possible (realizing that it is probably impossible to be completely drama free forever).

Hot Clerk. I think the clerk is straight. He's mousy - in that he is shy and recoils when you try to converse with him, but from the few quick convo's I've had with him I think he is straight. He does, however, have an impeccable sense of style and dresses better than almost anyone in the office (present company excluded of course).

Friends. I've been trying to find my niche and its hard. Hung out with some friends last night that are becoming regular. We have differences of opinion on some matters - political and religious in nature - which can be OK, if you can respect that opinion. I don't know if I can. I like to think that I am a "reasonable person," which means I am able to see the other side of an issue and not be personally offended. But there are just some issues where the other side doens't make sense. Anyhow, after what was mostly a pleasant evening, I question if this friendship can become very regular.

On the same front, I've been thinking a lot about gay guys and their friends. I have made a couple of "friends" online, and I'd like to hang out with them, but I'm not quite ready to do that right now. But when I do, I hope I can meet cool people who are not exclusively into other gay people for friends. I've also been trying to find people who are on the more educated side (Bachelors and up) because its easier to relate to people who have had similar experiences (college), especially when at my age, its probably been one of the biggest ongoing experiences I've had...but where I currently live, that is kinda hard to do. There are a lot of guys here in their late 20's who started working right after high school. So, we shall see how that works.

Eye Contact. Went shopping with a female friend last week and saw an attractive guy in the store shopping as well. When we were in line, I was looking at him and turned away a couple of times, but one time we made eye contact. I didn't break it for a second or two (which seems like an eternity) and I think he knew...he seemed gay to me too. Anyhow, we played that game and because I was with my friend I had to be discreet about my looking (because I was also conversing with her) and had to leave it at that.

Gymin' It. Been trying to be a regular at my gym. Its a nice feeling to be back in the gym. I'm trying to do a lot of cardio right now to lean up. The goal is to slim down a bit and then try to gain some muscle by this summer. I figure I can lose the excess in about two months and gain as much as I want in a month (from past experience). If anyone has any suggestions on how to make the leaning process work better, please share. I'm really not well versed in fitness, I just figure if I sweat a lot every time I go to the gym, it can only be good...

Faith. I'm constantly fighting with myself to reconcile what I want to do with the way I have been raised and what my family and friends believe. If the act of being gay is a sin, then I'm a sinner - as analogized with the act of murder. But, how can God be so cruel, as to make me attracted to males and then ask me to marry a woman and live a lie? I mean, faith is really a foundation for a moral existence, but does being gay really make one immoral? Confused on this at the moment...

Exploding Heart

2009-03-10T21:59:00.000-07:00

I love that feeling that your heart is about to explode out of your chest when someone says something that makes you feel happy, excited, lucky, and a whole bunch of other things all at the same time!

A few things.

2009-03-07T17:49:00.000-08:00

A few things.

Hot Mail Clerk. There week we were introduced to a hot new mail clerk. His is more cute than "hot" but in any event he is pretty. I don't think I'm the type to really objectify guys (or girls), but I think allowing myself to think more freely with regard to my sexuality has had an effect on my expression of carnal desire. In short, I would totally "hang out" with this guy, just for the way he looks.

Cool Cafe. Remember that cool cafe I mentioned before? We I finally went back. I had almost become a regular when I got really busy and decided my career was more important (especially now that I realize jobs are not as dispensable as they once were) than spending time at a cafe. Anyhow, I went back and its just as lively, and I even ran into someone I know - which is always nice.

Friends. I don't know if I mentioned, but I am trying to make more friends (secretly) - b/c all of mine are either live far away or are married/conservative and have lives which I dont want to be a part of at the moment. Basically, since I came out to myself I realized that I get kinda sad when I am around these people - including family members who are really conservative and its worst if they are married b/c they talk about it as if I too will inevitably be married. So I am trying to make friends and I was thinking that hanging out at a cafe may be one way to do so. Who the hell knows if it will work, but for the time I like the cafe.

Gym. I am officially going to return to the gym. I took a long hiatus - longer than I wanted - and have been paying for the premiums, just not using the gym. Anyhow - summer is coming up and I dont want to be ashamed :) so to the gym I will go daily!

Life In General. I feel like I am trapped in my life. I think I promised I would explain more about my life as the blog progressed - so here are some tidbits. I'm Mideastern/Indian. "What that the F does that have to do with anything?" you may be asking. Well it kinda has everything to do with who I am and this process that I have promised for myself. It defines how I view the world and how the world (and by world I mean the people I thought were important to me) views me.

So here it is - my world/life as it stands: I am an obedient son who makes other parents wish I was theirs'; I am a moral role model for my generation and am depended upon by elders and youngsters alike for unwavering support and advice; and I am professionally successful, and have a job with a respectable employer; AND on top of all of this I am easy on the eyes and come from a respected family (did I mention humble?) - which makes me excellent marriage material. All of these things matter (or mattED) culturally for me and my family and friends. Had I not realized I am gay - I would have a perfect life. I would get married, provide, enjoy, and live happily ever after. But as you know, that is not possible from the closet - so I have to change something.

I'd like to point out that I am really not as self observed as the above makes me sound - these are things that actually worry me b/c they were once things that made me feel blessed for the hand that I have been dealt. Now, however, they make changing my life very hard for me and have become almost a curse. Sounds cliche, but I know you guys (at least some of you) understand.

Anyhow, one way out would be to extricate myself from this life by moving away. However, with the economy in the state that it is in, that is really not possible. If I say - "screw you closeted life!" and move away, I would not be able to live b/c there are no jobs right now. So I am stuck. Blast!

Don't worry - I have not given up hope, just been thinking a great deal about the situation.

Work Crap

2009-03-02T21:05:00.000-08:00

I took some time off of work and I get back today and I hear that last week some crappy stuff happened. Apparently, one of the bosses thought it would be OK to sit all the subordinates down and tell them (us - I wasn't actually there) that we need to work harder and that we are dispensable...

First reaction: WTF!

Second reaction: WTF!

We work our asses off for this guy (and the rest), don't really get paid that much, and if we were gone, this guy in particular would be screwed. Anyhow, stupid move.

I know that times are tough, but if you need people to work harder or to do things differently, yelling at them and threatening them is probably not the best way to do it.

Dip-shit.

Shrink?

2009-02-18T00:06:00.001-08:00

So I wrote a post and lost it. Whatever. Here is the gist.

I have nothing to report. Life is busy and I am working like a dog. That is OK though, because I don't mind it so much at this stage of my life.

I saw a shrink though - about stress reduction and whatnot and he didn't say anything profound about how to keep my blood pressure down. I saw him because I have borderline hypertension, have a family history of it, and work in a high stress environment. Oh and I'm a perfectionist, which compounds it all. Anyhow, I concluded that I like talking to him and just being honest about things, which lead me to think about maybe talking to him or a colleague of his who is more versed with identity and sexuality issues about the current state of my life.

I am a stable person and have always viewed myself as being "above" the need to talk to a shrink, but I have also had friends that tell me it is great. They say it gives you an opportunity to work things out and is liberating at some level. So there is an option.

Finally, I am afraid of going bald...so there it is...

Kids

2009-02-09T11:59:00.000-08:00

I am sitting at Starbucks and a grandpa walked in with his grandkid a while ago...he said he was babysitting (not to me, but to others and i am nosey). a couple of thoughts:

1 - Will I ever be able to be selfless enough to have kids...I mean this guy was essentially entertaining this kid for hours. I don't loath kids, but I am not the best babysitter and I am lazy. I want kids, but I realize that kids are exhausting and require more care than I think I can naturally give (right now).

2 - Having kids is dangerous. The grandpa walked away from his kid for just a second to throw something away. At that moment I actually thought to myself: (1) he is walking away from the kid - I guess since he is really close, its not a big deal, what could possibly happen and (2) this is a safe Starbucks, he is being very trusting walking away from his kid...even if he is only a few feet away.

And right after I thought the above thoughts - grandpa turned his back on the kid and the kid fell, dropping his drink. luckily, the frapaccino didnt spill and the kid didnt cry, but it just goes to show you that having kids is a dangerous business. Kids requires constant attention.

Re: the post below...

2009-02-05T00:54:00.000-08:00

So I was wondering...what do you guys think of feminine guys? I mean, is it indicative of gay-ness? What triggers your gay dar?

These are questions for YOU, the readers, so if you would indulge me I'd appreciate it.

CLARIFICATION: The question is: Do you think that guys who are feminine are more likely to be gay?

Lunch and Whatnot

2009-02-05T00:29:00.001-08:00

Just a lot of stuff going on right now so I'm not updating much on big things - just what happened today.

I went to lunch with my bro and some of our friends today and we caught up a bit. It was nice and to hang. I hadn't really seen these guys in a while - they have families now and obligations and what not - so they are busy a lot.

Then I went to Starbucks later and ended up bumping into a guy from high school...talk about random. Anyhow, caught up a bit - you know the regular stuff: how ya doin', what cha doin', who do you still talk to, etc. I didn't really know him that well back in my "youth." Anyhow, he is quite feminine and even though he was wearing a wedding band...who knows.

Also helped overt a major scam a friend was about to enter into. Apparently if a car is worth $60,000 and someone is selling it for a fraction of that because the seller got it in a divorce and just wants to get rid of it and can't drive and is not even in the country to show you the car, but wants you to trust them - you should beware. SCAM!

Lets see...thats about it for today.

Confiding...

2009-01-31T15:15:00.000-08:00

Its really hard for me to confide in people so I don't think I've ever really opened up all aspects of who I am to any one person.

I tell you this because I have been waiting a long time to share all of me with someone, knowing that that person is MY confidant. But I don't know if will ever happen. Part of it is the uncertainty of finding a mate, but part of it is because I want to come out, but I still vacillate back and forth.

I know some of my post sound like I'm ready and set on doing it - but I am not as confident about this as I want to be. At some level those posts are meant for me, so I can feel more confident.

All of this was brought on by a discussion with my mom today about marriage (someone else's) and it made me want to get married, settle down, and have a happy life. Except - I was thinking in the context of marrying a girl. I used to think that I was gonna fall in love with a woman and share with her all of my innermost thoughts. I can't even do that now because even if I do marry a girl, I can't tell her I'm attracted to guys. I can't tell her I have this blog. And if I find a guy I will most definitely lose huge chunks of my life (my family and most of the social circle I grew up with). Its frustrating.

p.s. Like I said - it is hard for me to confide...even on this blog. I suspect that what I say may not always make the most sense, but its likely that it is because I am leaving out some foundational fact about my background or my current situation (not lying, just omitting) and not because I suck at expressing myself.

Prayers, Etc.

2009-01-28T23:04:00.001-08:00

So I caught Prayers for Bobby online yesterday (with some help from some of you). It was good. I'm not much of a crier, but I have to admit that there were some powerful moments in the movie when I was close and teared up a bit.

The book is about a young man named Bobby Griffiths and how his devoutly religious mother drove him to commit suicide. Over time, his mother learns of different interpretation of the bible and ends up becoming a gay rights advocate. [Borrowed from A Cheeseburger and the Bathroom Key - blog]

I think the part of the movie that really hit home for me was that Bobby thought there was something wrong with him at first and that he prayed to try and be cured of his gayness. The movie reminded me of my own existence: with all the makings of a perfect life - close family, uber religious existence, successful academically, grouchy grandma - blessed in every way, until he realized he was gay. Then the cycle began. First confusion: is it possible, could I be gay? Then denial. Followed by prayer. Time, experience, and honestly bringing realization and understanding. And, at some point after that, acceptance.

Bottom line - it was good and I recommend the movie to you all. If you missed it you can find it here. Its legit - the Lifetime Channel website (not that you guys care where it came from).

On a similar note - here is the short version of the first time I really considered the possibility that I could be gay. Not much but here it is.

I was accused once in undergrad. An older friend from church asked me my freshman year of undergrad. We were driving somewhere, just the two of us, and I thought he was just being an ass. He is generally an ass and would always say things to get a rise out of people, but his tone was serious and I could tell he wasn't kidding, even after I told him to shut up. "Tell me the truth" he said, "are you?" I was so confused - why would he ask me that. I relied "of course not."

I was blindsided by the question and didn't want to seem defensive (show no weakness) so I choose to not explain much and feigned annoyance. In reality I was hurt by the fact that he asked me. At the time, in my mind, being gay was not an option.

I was really rattled and hated him for a while for asking me that.

Scammers...

2009-01-24T09:16:00.000-08:00

I got an email today from a "bank manager" who needs my held to embezzle funds from his bank in Ghana...right - of course. Here, let me just help you with that...or not. Idiots.

The email is obviously a scam and apparently they work. The emailers start out promising you something and then end up asking you for a small "fee" so you can claim whatever prize they are offering. Anyhow, they pray on the poor/innocent/greedy/naive/stupid - and I have to admit that I have in the past been tempted to "investigate." When I was a freshman or sophomore in high school - I got one of these for the first time and got kind of excited at the prospect of getting rich quick. Lucky for me my inner scam-detector kicked in and I hit delete. Thank you parent for teaching me that if it sounds too good to be true - it probably is. But there are hundreds (maybe more) people out there who do get scammed. Sucks - so beware!

Crazies

2009-01-23T23:47:00.000-08:00

Have any of you ever listened to late night talk radio? Well...you are probably better off. Crazy people I tell you - crazy. Tonight the topic was where the lost libraries of Atlantis (yes, the island of the gods) are. One of he talk show hosts said that she was sure it was at the foot of the Sphinx. Then the other host said that he spoke to the head of Egypt's ancient artifacts about it and the guy says there is nothing there, but the hosts agreed that the guy was lying. OK...

Advice, Lying, and the Death of -SEGUE-

2009-01-22T23:04:00.000-08:00

I went to an attorney with someone today - to help translate (I'm tri-lingual). The lawyer we went to see is old and almost retired and he asked to speak with me after the session. I'm a novice in the legal profession and so he wanted to tell me how great it is that I am helping people out and getting involved in the community, etc. etc. and of course he wanted to give me advice.

He said "Protect your name, its worth more than money"

Let me just say that I actually enjoy it when older attorneys sit me down and give me advice. Its like their shot to reduce their life experience down to a few sentences, get on a soap box, and spoon feed it to you. In many ways its like an acceptance speech when you get an award, except they get to do it a lot more. I've noted that most of the time the advice I get is well thought out and fairly sage. And his advice, as you can see, was quite sage.

We spoke for a bit longer and turns out one of his kids went to the same law school as me, except he decided not to practice law. He seemed kind of disappointed with his son's choice - probably because he shelled out a lot of money for an education that was not "used." I wanted to tell him - being a lawyer is f-ing hard and its NOT for everyone...I don't even know if I want to keep doing it. But I said nothing of the sort and just smiled big.

Anyhow, when I asked him what his son does now, all he said was that he is now in Portland. That was odd...

Which brings me to another thing I want to mention. Apparently the mayor of Portland is an openly gay man in his mid-40s. Now, I'm not gonna get into any gay issues here (some gay people seem to think there are gay issues at stake) - I don't think it matters that he is gay, but I do want to say that I think politicians in general have it tough. Our culture is a bit over obsessed with what our politicians do and do not do in their personal lives and its reflected in how the media treats them and their personal lives.

The mayor, Sam Adams (yes, his real name is Sam Adams), was asked during his election bid about a relationship he had with this guy who was 18 when the relationship took place. Sam was afraid of what the media would do to the story (rightly so) and so he lied (wrong answer!). His fear of the media caused him to lie - I'm rolling my eyes as I type because I think its so ridiculous, yet probably very true. I don't think what he did was correct, but I certainly can appreciate his motives and understand his fear. Ultimately, I feel bad for the guy, because now a bunch of his supporters are asking him to step down...

On an unrelated note - I was looking at a few of my posts and I really hate the "-SEGUE-" thing. The reason I started doing it is because I wanted to be lazy and not worry about making up transitions, but after having used it I feel like now I have to work to make sure I have complete thoughts in each section of my post. Anyhow - I have mild OCD (not really, but I feel like I do) and I just wanted the blog to be all neat and tidy. However, after further consideration I have decided - screw it, I am ridding myself of the "-SEQUE-" and I'm just gonna try to make the posts make sense. Its my blog and it can be messy if I want it to be (or if I'm too lazy to keep it tidy).

On Make-up, Marriage, and Mates

2009-01-20T07:50:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of things I want to talk about but for now this will do :)

-SEGUE-

I did a video shoot for my alma mater last week for some recruitment thing. There is actually a lot of preparation that goes into a simple 30 second blurb - they had to set up all kinds of equipment and test lighting, etc. Anyhow, this was my first time "on video." The make-up artist airbrushed my face (I guess everybody's face got air blushed) in preparation and combed my eyebrows. Anyhow, I'll know in about a month how the interview went and if I sound like a dork or an articulate alum.

-SEGUE-

I was talking to a friend, who who happens to be gay, abstractly about marriage. And it was a bit odd speaking about it with him - because it was in the context of two guys and not a man and a woman. This is a what social norms will do to a person's expectations. I just expect that when people talk about marriage - it is not gay marriage. We were going back and forth about things with me providing the straight prospective and I wanted to say to him that I was no longer qualified to provide that perspective (I didn't say anything).

On a related note, I don't know how many of you out there (especially those who are around my age) get asked about marriage, but I seemed to be getting asked a lot. I don't even have anyone I'm "interested" in, but it just seems like all the people I know have nothing better to think about.

A lot of my friends (school, undergrad, and grad school) are either married, betrothed, or in some relationship which mirrors one of the former two (but doesn't involve a ring). Hence, I have a lot of people in my life who are coupled. I want that for myself too - I want someone that I can call "mine." I'm not in any rush, and these things take time and work anyway.

(If this were my cake - I'd be the one on the left.)

-SEGUE-

I'm watching the inaugural festivities and Bill and Hillary Clinton just came out of the Capitol so I'm gonna go...I still can't believe that Obama is going to be our next president in just 30 or so minutes (from when I typed this)!

Online Life Meets Real Life

2009-01-13T22:18:00.000-08:00

Having both a secret online existence and a real life existence is pretty easy...when everything stays separate. But when things mesh together its kind of weird.

Today, I saw one of the guys who profile I've seen (and stalked) on various online networking sites. I haven't talked to the guy (online), but since he actually has his life together (on paper) and is around my age he stood out and I took notice. Anyhow, I saw him while I was sitting and reading in the library and I was kind of surprised by it. It took me a few seconds to register at first, but I realized two things: (1) he is hotter in person and (2) he is taller in person.

I had the following conversation in my head:

Me: Hi, I'm CaliforniaShyGuy

Him: Hi, I'm [I-have-my-life-together-guy]

Me: Hey, I saw your profile on [such and such] site and was too shy to message you.

Him: Oh, well you totally should have.

Me: Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to maybe have coffee with me.

Him: Yes, I would.

Sounds too simple. Some day (hopefully soon), I will actually have a convo like this with someone.

"Gay-Straight"

2009-01-10T21:10:00.000-08:00

Whilst shopping with my brother today, my brother told me that I am metrosexual and called me "gay-straight." He said this title is appropriate for me because I have the fashion sense of a gay man, but am straight. If only he knew...

On Dating

2009-01-10T00:07:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been thinking about dating (guys). I'm not planning on dating anyone in particular or even dating at all in the near future, but the topic has been on my mind as I begin plotting my coming out and thinking about what it means for me.

I'm a pretty conservative guy and I think there should be sexual boundaries when dating. There. I said it.

Anyhow, I am a little frustrated with the idea of how the above perspective (my perspective) will be greeted in the world of gay dating. Part of why I've been thinking about this is that in one conversations I had with a guy I met online; he basically told me that (in his experience) if you didn't put out on the first or (at latest) second date there was little chance of more dates. At the time I kinda feigned disbelief and scoffed (nicely) at him...what kind of guys was he seeing?

But what he said really did get me thinking - are most guys really that shallow? I hope not, because I need to believe there are decent guys out there. I have to believe that there are guys who are willing and comfortable at my pace when it comes to intimacy - guys who value friendship and trust like I do.

-SEGUE-

I went back to that cool new part of town I discovered. It is still cool. I saw Friendly Girl (that is now her official blog name) from the other night and we chatted. She remembered my name and I hers, and I think we are now one step closer to becoming cafe-buddies. Even the barista as that cafe remembered me and started chatting with me as if he was really interested in my life. That doesn't really happen at Starbucks. Way-to-go Barista Guy, for making me feel important. Such behavior will keep me coming back.

-SEGUE-

Why does Blogger HATE MacBook users and/or Safari?

New Things

2009-01-07T19:12:00.000-08:00

Since I'm in a really weird/awkward/unchartered place in my life right now (in many ways - you will learn as this blog sputters on) I am trying to branch out and expand my horizons. Some of it has to do with my stage of life, but part of it is this sense that I need to experience more things. So, one way I figured I can do this is by exploring new areas of the city I'm living in.

Today I visited a part that is a cross between The Haight and The Mission District (I think "the" is part of the proper title) in San Francisco. The place is down right rad, with lots of cool mom-n-pop shops mixed in with big chain stores and charming eccentricities. The kicker, the part that really made me feel like I was in some parallel SF outside of SF, was that I saw a crazy guy who looked like a bum (or transient if you don't like the word "bum"). He walked past my window as I was sipping my drink a few times (back and forth) and at one point was drooling and talking to himself. I know its not the most beautiful visual - but if you have ever lived in SF, I think you will concur that its reminiscent. Anyhow, I appreciated it all and I think I am going to try and find some cool places to hang out.

I found a couple of coffee shops there and they both felt pretty cool. I've heard from friends that the people in that part of town can be kind of cliquy and not really welcoming if you aren't a "regular." I didn't get that sense from the coffee shops. In fact, about a minute after I walked in and sat down in one of the cafes some random girl started talking to me. Of course the reasons she started talking to me (as she confessed in the first 15 seconds of our conversation) was that she had never seen me in there before. BUT, I will take our conversation as proof that the regulars do not discriminate against the non-regulars and will continue to go to that cafe. Then when I become a regular myself I can be just as welcoming - or not...we'll see. Maybe I will be a mean regular and point and laugh at new people (probably not).

Anyhow, its cool to experience new things that you enjoy and I'm glad I found this place...

On Being Deep Deep In the Closet

2009-01-05T18:43:00.001-08:00

One of the biggest things that sucks about being "in" the closet is that you have to deceive those whom you would like to not deceive. I had lunch with a friend today and we got to talking about our "love lives" (terms used very loosely) and she asked me how mine was going and my answer was (as it has been for a few months now) that I don't even think about it - I'm focusing on other things.

Well, that is technically true. I am focussing on my career and work right now - so its not a lie. I am trying to survive in my career of choice, but the real reason I have no love life is because I'm gay and no one knows. And because no one knows, no one will date me.

Anyhow, its hard not telling people you want to tell. Every time I have a lunch or coffee date with a friend I just want to say - I am gay, but I cannot because that would make it real.

Anyhow, I will have to continue this later, but just for the record: to all of my friends out there that may potentially possibly read this blog someday - I don't have any news on the girl front because I am GAY and I like men.

Met a guy who I think is gay.

2008-12-27T21:54:00.000-08:00

Since starting to peruse the gay blogosphere I've read a few times about this concept of "gaydar." I didn't really think it existed until this past week. I was at a small party with some old friends from undergrad and some extended friends (friends of friends) and started talking to a guy who I knew, but never really hung out with in undergrad. Partly because every time I saw him I didn't know his name and he would call me out on it. Oops. Anyhow, so this guy is at the party and we did the whole how are you /what are you up to thing and as the evening went on I caught him looking at me in that "I'm not trying to look at you" kind of way. I started looking back and by the end of the night we had a pretty good eye banter going on and he made some sexual comments that made me question the looks even more. Anyhow needless to say, by the end of night I was CONVINCED this guy was gay, on top of which, I really liked him - smart, tall, good looking, etc.

The first thing I did when I got home is look him up on facebook. It turns out we are already facebook friends and his profiles says that he is "interested in women." I certainly didn't get the straight vibe from him that night and it could be that he is just closeted, but it could also be that I am just crazy and the guy was just interested in what I had to say and was just kind of an androgynous flirt.

I kept thinking to myself that I sensed something solid when we interacted - like I knew he was interested in me. I'm going to try and start some sort of contact with him and see if I can ask him if he is gay. Yes, I know, this sounds amateur and quite novice, but its a plan and he could choose to confess his love for me(n) or he could deny it all and make me look a bit foolish. Eh.

Why This Blog.

2008-12-24T10:38:00.000-08:00

Recently (very recently) I realized I am not straight
I want to come out, but I'm too afraid/paranoid (at the moment) to talk to a person in person
I think this blog will help me in the coming out process
I want to make friends...